Subject to Change

A question I have been asking myself a lot lately:

What do I want?

And honestly, the thing that scares me most is that I don't really know. It's so easy to make grand plans and schemes of greatness when you are younger, and to envision yourself filling that seemingly distant, yet somehow attainable mold. But would you recognize yourself now if you saw the now-you even just a year ago, let alone a decade ago? I know I wouldn't. All (or at least most) of the ideas I had for my present, then-future, have been quite a bit altered by that two-headed monster of sorts, reality.

And then there's the dichotomy of head and heart - which do you listen to? How do you find balance and reconciliation between and within the two? It's something I'm just now starting to actually realize and dapple in... And I've got to admit - this void is pretty damn petrifying.

But it's all boiling down to this: In the end, there's just me. All I have is, and will be, all I create around and within me. And therefore, that's what I need to figure out. It's what we all need to figure out. Amidst the confusion and bustle of life, love, and whatevers, there's the one thing we need to get in touch with... And that's happiness. If there's a purpose to life, then it must be (excuse the cliché...) the pursuit of happiness; finding that 'whatever' that gives all the 'whatever' in life some joy and meaning. It's the unique niche that makes us human.

So what do I want right now? What exactly is going to make all this monologue actually resonate with me as I can only hope it resonates at least marginally with you? I guess it's going to take some time to manifest for yours truly. But I do know that I want to do what makes me happy, and what is ultimately best for me, so that a decade from this present moment, I will be able to look back and be alright with what has gotten to me to my future-present.

What do I want?